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30 Things I’ve Learned at 30

 

30 at 30

The author at 24 (photo: Kat Johns)

In many ways, turning 30 is less of an existential crisis than was turning 25. I turned 25 crying on the floor of a fraternity house bathroom. I turn 30 with health insurance, a budding writing career, and a guy who makes me smile every day. Things are good. Sure, there are a lot of regrets. My 20s were a series of bad choices and unfortunate events. But I’ve learned a few things along the way.

Before I fell down in a puddle of tears and urine on that Formica floor, I composed a list of 25 things I had learned at 25 and posted it to Facebook. Now, the night before I turn 30, I’m publishing it publicly for the first time, along with 30 more things I’ve learned in the past five years. Do with this information what you will: take it, scoff at it, ignore it. But I have to say, I wish I’d known all of this ten years ago.

25 things I’d learned at 25

  1. Despite what you think at the time, it is possible to laugh through tears. And it feels amazing.
  2. You are lucky if you have 5 true friends in this life. Not at once; at all.
  3. Everybody has their own problems, and if you could see theirs, you’d be glad to keep your own.
  4. The world is kinder and gentler than we make it out to be.
  5. There’s a reason why it’s cliché to eat ice cream when upset: it works. It really will make you feel better.
  6. The best friends are the ones you sit in silence with and it isn’t awkward.
  7. Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. You never know who you have the power to destroy.
  8. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does
  9. Keep all your receipts and balance your cheque book. It’ll save you a world of hassle.
  10. If you have to justify a purchase to your friends, you probably don’t need to buy it.
  11. Even if you can’t excuse someone’s behaviour, you should look for an explanation. You may just find some compassion that way.
  12. University is really very easy—if you make school your first priority.
  13. Beer really is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  14. We all have our vices. The trick is not to let them control us.
  15. Sometimes it is okay to change who you are for somebody, so long as you’re changing for the better.
  16. Nothing is scarier than the day you realize that your parents are human, too.
  17. If you’re in a relationship that must remain secret, you probably shouldn’t be in it.
  18. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. If a lie is harmless and can make somebody happy, lie.
  19. If your friends can’t or won’t put their differences aside for you, they’re not true friends.
  20. Blood is not always thicker than water. Blood is blood. We ought to say that LOVE is thicker than water. (Only that doesn’t really make sense.)
  21. There is no shame in asking for help, and almost always someone willing to give it.
  22. Anything worth having is worth risking it all.
  23. Anybody who says they have no regrets is lying or an emotionally-stunted Neanderthal. Plain and simple.
  24. Something can be both right and wrong, good and bad. Most things exist in a grey area.
  25. We are the masters of our destinies. In life, there are no answers–there are choices.

And here are 30 more things I’ve learned in the past five years.

  1. Comparing yourself to others is the most counterproductive thing you can do. We all have our own journeys, and we all start in different places. You also don’t know what hurdles they’ve jumped to get to where they are.
  2. Unless you are a Kardashian or married to one, it’s a safe bet that no one hates you as much as you hate yourself.
  3. Don’t hate yourself. Forgive yourself. Every day.
  4. The people who remain in your life will sometimes surprise you. People you think are fleeting friends will prove to have remarkable staying power. People you think are your besties will disappear forever
  5. Losing touch with old friends is an active choice. You’re tired, and all you want to do is pour a glass of wine and watch Scandal. I get it. Pick up that damn phone and call your college roommate. She misses you.
  6. If a straight man tells you he’s straight, believe him. Even if he holds your hand as you walk down the street. Even if he drunkenly lets you run his hands up his shirt as you dance to Charlie Puth’s “Marvin Gaye.” Even if he kisses you cos he’s always wanted to know what a beard feels like.
  7. You’re probably not in love with your old friend. You probably just think you are because you’re having a quarterlife or midlife crisis and reaching for the most familiar man.
  8. Love is a goddamn scary thing, and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older. Sex and the City had it right. Does he think about me like I think about him? I don’t know. But that’s the exciting part.
  9. Find one artist who speaks to you and stan hard for them. Seriously. There’s something remarkably comforting about listening to someone’s music grow and evolve along with your own life. (For me, this is Adele.)
  10. Sometimes, it’s better to address bigotry through verbs rather than nouns. He isn’t homophobic, what he said is homophobic. You have no idea how much more receptive people are to being called out when you’re calling out their actions instead of their personalities.
  11. Tribalism is what makes politics so goddamn ineffective. Talk to people who oppose you. Befriend them. And if you’re in Congress or Parliament, for God’s sake, work with them. Effective governance is bred in compromise.
  12. Social justice warriors are often just as closed-minded and obnoxiously vile as the bigots they oppose.
  13. People fuck up, but that doesn’t mean they should be destroyed for it.
  14. Clean your damn apartment because you really never know when someone is going to stop by. Or you’re going to get laid. Also, always have Febreeze on hand. (Preferably in seasonal scents.)
  15. If you can avoid it, never live anywhere without a dishwasher. I mean it.
  16. In the immortal words of Jen Lindley, “anything you look forward to for too long is invariably a disappointment.”
  17. Being content doesn’t mean you’re happy, and you should never confuse the two.
  18. It really is okay to say “no” to your manager, to friends, to family, to Donald Trump. The world won’t end.
  19. Work to live, don’t live to work.
  20. For the most part, your colleagues are just that—your colleagues. They are not your friends. There are rare exceptions, but keep things as casual and professional as possible. And whatever you do, don’t sleep with a co-worker.
  21. Everything you do online can come back to haunt you. For a solid year a comment I drunkenly left on a YouTube video pulled up if you Googled me. I befriended a writer who, two years later, found a comment I’d left on an article about her. Think twice before you tweet.
  22. Pizza is as addictive as crack. Something to do with the combination of the fat and grease. But seriously, this is science. Limit your intake.
  23. They all got just as fat as you have.
  24. Never be the drunkest person in the room. Always find the drunkest person in the room, gauge how intoxicated they are, and be at least two drinks behind them.
    24.5 Unless it’s an open bar on a corporate dime. Then bombs away.
  25. If you’re drinking alone, ask yourself why. Then find a very good therapist to help you work it all out.
  26. It’s worth dropping the extra money on a good bottle of wine.
  27. Stop buying expensive clothes. No one looks at what you’re wearing after you graduate college.
  28. Just because you don’t “get” something doesn’t mean it’s invalid. Your opinion is but one of billions. And if your marginalised friends tell you something is important, listen. They may actually know better than you.
  29. The world doesn’t exist as we think it should; it exists as it is. Work to fix the things you can, but be prepared to work with what you’ve got.
  30. Your grandmother was right about everything.
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’tis better to give than recieve. That’s crap. But here’s a present anyway.

coalforchristmas

 

Last week, I published my Christmas wish list, and kindly expected y’all to deliver. What can I say? Greed is good. Boris says so.

Still, they say the greatest gift is giving. This is, of course, rubbish, as the greatest gift is cash so I can avoid returning whatever hideous or useless gift you thoughtlessly picked up on your way to the Poundsaver till. But still, in the spirit of the season, here’s my gift to Britain this Christmas:

  • I give the gift of vibration to Lord Heseltine. Get your head of the gutters, you lot. Not that sort of vibration (though maybe 50 years ago…). Phone vibration. This way, the next time his wife rings him as he films Question Time, Dimbleby needn’t be bothered.
  • Guido Fawkes brought to our attention that Boris’ hair is receding along with his credibility. I can’t do much about the latter, but as to the former, I gladly give Boris a box of Regaine.
  • To the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, I give the gift of babysitting. Prince George is adorbs, and I have five nieces and nephews so I can totes handle this, babes. You deserve a bit of a date night, don’t you?
  • I give Lynton Crosby to the University of London Union. He’s great at turning out he votes, and you not so much. I also give solidarity.
  • David Cameron gets a selfie with me, since he’s so keen on being seen with Americans. And since he’s got the Regaine now, Boris can be the flirty blond.
  • Angela Merkel gets a telegraph, since that seems to be the only way she can safely communicate electronically.
  • Putin gets donkeypunched by Uncle Sam. If you don’t know what that means, Google it. Warning: NSFW.
  • I’d like to buy Anjem Choudary a pint. Seriously mate, you need it.
  • Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy gets this children’s book. Remember what happened the last time Spain messed with a Queen Elizabeth.
  • I give British Gas customers Jack Wills jumpers. You might not be able to afford you energy bills, but you shiver in style with these fashionable fleeces!
  • Katie Hopkins gets a map of Asia. See that big country down to the south? That’s India. It’s a place, you see. And if you look to the northeast, you may be able to locate a lovely Japanese town I think you ought to visit. It’s called Fukue.
  • Alan Rusbridger gets a class on journalistic ethics taught by Louise Mensch. I’ll even throw in a freebie on investigative reporting, since she seems to be the only one uncovering just how badly you’ve British national security.
  • That being said, Edward Snowden gets amnesty here in America, but only if he brings home the documents. And marries my best friend, cos she’s kinda keen.
  • Russell Brand gets a haircut and perhaps a bit of substance, provided he doesn’t abuse it.
  • Laurie Penny gets a mini American flag to waive, as she seems to be here more than I am. You’re not a proper American until you waive the stars and stripes at a street parade. And also eaten a deep fried Twinkie.
  • Rand Paul and Shia LaBeouf both get an English 101 course, which should teach you how to properly cite your sources. And perhaps form coherent sentences. But baby steps.
  • Greg Rutherford gets all the television appearances he wants, and perhaps a new kit deal. Seriously. A boy’s gotta eat.
  • Alex Ferguson gets a villa in Spain or Cornwall or wherever pensioners go to sun themselves. Just steer clear of Florida. It’s like Duck Dynasty down there.
  • Gay and lesbian Londoners and Chicagoans get marriage counselling. We now get to be as miserable as straight people. Ah, equality.
  • Single gay and lesbian Londoners and Chicagoans get tequila. It’ll help numb the nagging this Christmas. Suddenly we have no excuse when grandma asks why we haven’t settled down. Damn.
  • Justin Bieber gets a copy of a biography, any biography, of Michael Jackson. I cannot stand aside and watch history repeat itself. He even had a monkey, for Christ’s sake! No. I won’t be party to this. Justin, we’re here to help, buddy.
  • Chris Ramsey gets my apologies for gratuitously lusting after him, and also an American tour so I can do it in person.

Finally, to all my friends, family, readers, followers, and everyone who has helped make my return to writing this year an enjoyable if tumultuous ride, a massive thank you. I’m still finding my voice, but it’s great to be back. 2014 is going to be tremendous. I can’t wait.