Tag Archives: christmas list

Skylar’s Naughty and Nice List 2015

naught and nice 2015

It’s Christmas Eve, the night that Santa makes his list and checks it twice before delivering presents to the children of the world. 2015 has been a chaotic year in which we’ve seen the best and worst of humanity. But who’s been naughty and who’s been nice? Here’s five of each!

naughty

5. Simon Danczuk

He’s terrible. From telling LBC that Jeremy Corbyn would face a “coup” on “day one” of his leadership (spoilers: he didn’t) to continually undermining Jez’s leadership in right-wing rags, Danczuk has shown that he’s less dedicated to ensuring a Labour victory in 2020 than he is to his own vainglorious spotlight. Far from the leader of the Blairites (that mantle goes to Liz Kendall, who has shown not only grace in defeat but a remarkable reticence and resilience), Danczuk has largely behaved like a petulant child in his Daily Mail columns, revealing details of meetings with Corbyn and basically throwing a national temper tantrum. Stop it, Simon. It’s not a good look. And it’s not helpful

4. The mainstream media

Fuck, where do I even begin? From questioning Jeremy Corbyn’s patriotism because he didn’t sing God Save the Queen to calling him a hypocrite because he said he would in the future, to complaining he didn’t bow deep enough at the Cenotaph (when he was the only party leader to hang around and talk to veterans) to labelling him a terrorist sympathiser without critically analysing his positions, to just yesterday claiming that he cancelled Christmas because he won’t have a Christmas Eve presser (looking at you, Telegraph), you’ve been so incredibly biased that a self-avowed Tory—Nick Robinson—has criticised your lopsided coverage. In America, the press has routinely trotted out tired tropes about Hillary Clinton, ignored the meteoric rise of Bernie Sanders, and allowed Donald Trump to spout of racist, xenophobic, and Islamaphobic bullshit with little pushback (this time looking at you, George Stephanopoulos). Indeed, the US broadcasters have built Trump up and covered him as though he were an event rather than a candidate for President of the United States of America. The mainstream press has done a horrible job of covering politics in an objective fashion this year. A pox on all your houses.

3. Iain Duncan Smith

The bedroom tax has been a failure, and IDS knows it. Thing is, he buried the damning findings under almost 400 other reports on the last day Parliament met this year. 75% of those affected by the bedroom tax have had to cut back on food; 40% of those affected have cut back on heating. He has gutted the welfare state with a glee not seen since the Grinch stole Christmas, and it’s been sickening. While we fight over Labour MPs abstaining from the latest round of benefits cuts, let’s never forget that it’s actually the Tories what done it.

2. Katie Hopkins

For the first time, we have a repeat. Katie Hopkins made my 2013 naughty list, and here she is again. Why? Because she’s fucking awful. Her heartless comments about refugees, from asking the press to show her bodies floating in the Mediterranean to calling migrants ‘cockroaches’ to fat-shaming people without really tackling the emotional and physical realities of obesity, Hopkins has time and time again proven that she is a heartless bigot who gives no fucks about the feelings of others or the consequences of her words. She routinely stokes xenophobia and Islamaphobia, most recently backing Donald Trump’s call to ban all Muslims from entering the United States and supporting the US ban on a Walthamstow Muslim family that was travelling to Disneyland. She’s horrible.

1. Donald Trump

The man is a monster, and no, I’m not referring to whatever is happening on top of his head. (Seriously Donald, what the fuck even is that?) I’ve never liked Donald Trump. He’s always seemed obnoxious to me. I’m from the American south, so that makes sense. Yankees are rude. But from the moment he announced for president, Trump has proven he’s a thoroughly despicable human being. Whether calling Mexicans “rapists” or making sexist comments about women (Megyn Kelly’s “bleeding out of wherever” or Hillary Clinton’s “disgusting” pee break), he’s been a bigot from the beginning. It’s hard to say which of Trump’s fascist, undemocratic comments was the most odious this year, but his call to ban all Muslims from entering the United States is a top contender. It is certainly the most un-American. We are a country founded on religious freedom and tolerance, one which has long embraced Muslims as our brethren. But this is the year that Trump decided nah, we weren’t going to do that anymore. What’s frightening is that so many Americans agreed with him. We do not have religious tests to patriotism in America, and the fact that Trump is trying to institute one to even enter the country is terrifying. He is the devil. He must be stopped. I am more scared for my country now than I was after 9/11. Trump. Must. Be. Stopped.

Dishonourable mentions: George Osborne, Ted Cruz, George Galloway 

nice

5. Jess Phillips

Wow. It’s rare that a new MP emerges as a rock star, but Jess Phillips certainly has. First elected in May, her maiden speech was on point. “I am deeply committed to improving our country’s response to victims of domestic and sexual violence and abuse in all its forms. Having worked for years in a service that operated refuges, rape crisis, child sexual exploitation services and human trafficking services, I know that we need to do more.” In the subsequent months, she has become an outspoken advocate for women’s rights and has gained a reputation as a straight talker, promising to knife Jeremy Corbyn in the front, rather than from behind—a far cry from her compatriot Simon Danczuk’s scheming. She’s got critics on the hard left, some of whom will likely chastise me for putting her on the nice list. But I believe Jess Phillips is the future of the Labour Party, and that given the chance, she can prove to be a key legitimiser of anti-austerity measures. This is a woman who gets it.

4. Iain Dale

Iain and I agree on almost nothing. I first started following him in 2010, when I was still a Tory. Now I’m a Corbynista. Yet over the past several months, I’ve listened to Iain’s LBC show rather religiously, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised. He’s a journalist who lets his biases be clearly known, but also attempts to be as fair as possible given those biases. He has challenged people who have called in to slag off Jez for the unfair talking points advanced by the Murdoch press and Simon Danczuk, and he’s had an open and sympathetic mind to Jeremy. Sure, he doesn’t agree with him, but he sure does seem to recognise the innate bias against him and he often questions its fairness. This is unusual for a right-wing journalist (*ahem* Dan Hodges). Iain isn’t perfect, but he’s far better than most of his colleagues at covering Corbyn.

3. Owen Jones

Owen Jones got a lot of flack for the New Statesman cover trumpeting his trip inside “the Jungle”—their words, not mine. “The Jungle” is, of course, what the refugees stuck in the Calais migrant camp call their home, and coming from a white journalist can be seen as problematic. Thing is, as Owen routinely reminds us, he doesn’t write the headlines. Still, his reporting was enlightening and brought to the national consciousness the humanity at the heart of the refugee crisis. He did this, it should be said, before it was fashionable to write about refugees. He saw the writing on the walls and he went, and he challenged us. Owen did that all year, actually. In February, he made some enemies in the radical feminist circles when he (it must be said, finally) trumpeted public support for trans people. He hasn’t backed down since. And his steadfast support of Jeremy Corbyn has been remarkable considering he’s basically the only mainstream British columnist who actually had the fortitude to support—and continue to support—the beleaguered Labour leader. I’ve long been a fan of Owen’s (he was an honourable mention on last year’s nice list), but this is the year I became a stan.

2. Justin Trudeau

I rushed home from the airport to watch the Canadian election results come in. This is weird for me; though I write about international politics, Canada is somewhere that doesn’t often register in my analysis. Yet I knew this was a pivotal election. My neighbour to the north had, for a decade, been governed by a neocon who had pillaged its land (see: tar sands) and ignored its most marginalised. Trudeau, in less than two months, has begun to transform Canada back into that bastion of equality and goodwill we all know it is. He’s been photographed embracing Syrian refugees, he’s opened up investigations into missing indigenous women, and he’s appointed the most racially and gender diverse cabinet in the world. Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders hope to stoke the flames of international progressivism. Justin Trudeau has lit this shit on fire.

1. The people of Walthamstow

I don’t know where to begin. You have shown me the most kindness and the most hospitality of anyone this year. It was serendipitous that I wound up in E17 covering the general election in May. I crowdfunded at trip to London and needed a cheap hotel. What I didn’t know then, but I’ve come to appreciate, is that my cheap hotel is a massive part of the problem in Walthamstow. Regeneration is destroying a vibrant working class community, displacing thousands of people who have called the area home for generations. But the residents are fighting back, as I learned on my first day there—when I had the privilege of interviewing Nancy Taaffe and Sarah Sachs-Eldridge—and subsequently, speaking to local residents at Lloyd Park, the Goose, and this random gay night at a pub whose name escapes me but is somewhere on Hoe Street. The time I spent in Walthamstow was, by far, the highlight of my year. I felt at home, and I made a home, amongst these wonderful people. When news of the “Walthamstow Riot”—a street fight amongst 200+ teenage girls—broke, I laughed. Not because it’s funny, but because the media overblew the story and also because that McDonald’s was out of mozzarella sticks then as it was when I was last there in May. (Seriously, McDonald’s, get your shit together.) When the media was reporting that an anti-war protest marched outside of local MP Stella Creasy’s house, I was sceptical. My gut was right. Walthamstow doesn’t do that. They marched to her office. And the fact that a grassroots march organised so rapidly is impressive. It was peaceful and local, and it was magical. I’m constantly in awe of the amazing left-wing activists in E17 and the things that they’re doing. I admire you, I tip my hat to you, and I desperately want to join you. This has most recently been demonstrated in this amazing community rallying around a local Muslim family denied entry into the USA for reasons unknown. (Stella Creasy has tried to get answers from the US Embassy but they’re not acknowledging her, which is troubling.) Walthamstow, you made me feel like one of you. You supported me, encouraged me, congratulated me, and took me in. I never once felt like a stranger. Your activists showed me the true face of the British left—one the media should acknowledge—which is warm, inviting, kind, and generous. I love you. I want to join you. I want to be one of you. You are the best of Britain, full stop.

Honourable mentions: David Lammy, Mhairi Black, John Oliver

Whichever list you find yourself on this year, I hope you have a very merry Christmas. Thank you for reading my work, whether here, in the Gay UK Magazine, at the Daily Dot, or elsewhere. I appreciate your support and encouragement. I have one or two more blog posts that’ll be coming before year’s end, so watch this space. Until then—Happy Christmas from The Curious American.

x. Skylar

Advertisements

Skylar’s Naughty and Nice List 2014

Top row - UKIP in LGBT, Theresa May, Ferguson Police Bottom row - Vicky Beeching, Michael Sam, Laverne Cox

Top row – LGBT in UKIP logo, Theresa May, Ferguson Police
Bottom row – Vicky Beeching, Michael Sam, Laverne Cox

Santa’s going to be coming down (but hopefully not in) a million billion chimneys tonight, and whereas last year I was expecting coal in my stocking, this year I’ve been a fucking saint. Seriously, thanks to the FDA’s reuqirements that gay men only be celibate for a year before they donate, I can now give blood. It’s been that kind of year.

Some have been equally as good this year. Some, though, have been very, very naughty. And with that, I give you my annual naughty and nice list!

naughty

3. LGBT in UKIP

Where the fuck do I even begin? Well, there’s their Aunt Mary MEP who is against equal marriage. Or the time UKIP Leader Nigel Farage referred to him as a “great big screaming poof” when using him as an example of how they’re not homophobic. Oh, and the branch chair who said gay adoption was tantamount to “child abuse.” And the list of homophobic UKIP comments just goes on and on.

That UKIP doesn’t like LGBT people is not news. But the fact that LGBT in UKIP, the LGBT pressure group within the party, exists, is. And the fact that they’ve continued to support the party despite its large opposition to LGBT equality and offensive rhetoric is deeply troublesome. To their credit, they stood up to UKIP HQ when Kerry Smith referred to LGBT people as “poofters,” though he was speaking specifically of LGBT in UKIP at the time, so that may have been more a personal than principled reaction.

UKIP stands a good chance of entering Westminster en masse at the General Election, and it’s entirely possible they could hold the balance of power in a potential hung parliament. That LGBT people are backing an anti-LGBT party which could determine the future of Britain is not only mystifying, it’s infuriating.

2. Theresa May

Theresa May hates me. As a gay foreigner, she’s made that abundantly clear in 2014. Only this month, a lesbian refugee from Uganda was nearly deported, despite fears for her life; she received a last minute reprieve, but the allegations that the Home Office ignored evidence and medical experts is concerning. When considered along the myriad of other cases involving LGBT asylum seekers, it’s evidence of a systemic problem within the Home Office. In October, the Guardian reported that “more than a tenth of Home Office interviews of gay and lesbian asylum seekers include ‘intrusive or or unsatisfactory’ questions about their sex lives.” This came in a report by Chief Inspector John Vine, who found some of the questions so graphic even I blushed.

This comes in a year where May has taken a hardline stance on migrants, refugees, and even students. Most recently, she has backed tightening restrictions on foreign students in the UK, requiring them to leave the country and apply for a work visa, as opposed to the four months foreign graduates currently have to find a job and switch from a student visa to a work visa. You can study at our universities, May is essentially saying, but you can’t contribute to our society.

The increasingly hostile rhetoric towards immigrants coming from the Home Office is concerning, and it seems unlikely to temper as we approach the General Election, which means it’s a shitty time to be a gay person, a foreigner, or a current or future international student. As someone who ticks all three boxes, this is some bullshit.

1. The American Police

Tanesha Anderson. John Crawford. Michelle Cusseaux. Tamir Rice. Yvette Smith. Eric Garner. Mike Brown.

These are but a handful of the unarmed Black people to be killed by American police this year. We need to have a national conversation about institutional racism within the ranks of the American police forces, and we need to have it now. We need to talk openly about white privilege and white supremacy, and how Black bodies are inherently viewed as criminal through white eyes. We, as white America, need to look in the mirror and see the ugliness of our own racism.White supremacy and structural racism are problems as old as America itself. Older, even, when you consider the transatlantic slave trade began more than two centuries before slaveowning Thomas Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence. These are not problems America has solved, because they’re the problems America was built upon. Racism is not just a founding principle of America, but the foundation of American society. It is handed down, generation to generation, an inherent trait in the American bloodstream. This country was stolen from the Native Americans and built on the backs of enslaved Africans. Yet white America denies it, denies it, denies it.

This year was no different, except we were forced to confront it. The institutional racism inherent in police forces—which are, in the end, agents of the state—was finally exposed. White America, and the police in particular, were quick to bury their heads in the sand as they continued blowing the heads off Black men and women. Instead of grappling with the realities of institutional racism (which, by the way, doesn’t mean all cops are racist), cops like New York City’s Patrick J Lynch, who heads that city’s police union, has been quick to cast blame—on Garner, on the mayor, on activists, basically on anyone but the police.

We have to attack institutional racism in this country, and police forces are as fine a place as any to start. Until we do, we will never truly get to an equal society.

Dishonourable mentions: The NFL, Russell Brand, Boris Johnson

nice

3. Michael Sam

Michael Sam shocked the world when, as an All-American football player who was named the AP Defensive Player of the Year, he came out. Sam went on to make history, becoming the first openly gay player drafted into the NFL. Things didn’t go so well from there; Sam was cut from the Saint Louis Rams and, later, the Dallas Cowboys. His future in the NFL remains to be seen, and what role homophobia played in slashing his prospects, first in the draft and now in the league, is hotly debated.

All of this matters. But none of it matters as much as Michael Sam matters, simply for existing. By coming out in the macho, misogynistic world of the NFL, Michael Sam provided hope and inspiration to countless young gay boys throughout America, and even abroad, who were struggling to reconcile their masculinity and sexuality. He became a role model over night, and blazed a trail which future openly gay athletes will follow. He also opened up a conversation on institutional homophobia within sport, one of which gay, lesbian, and bisexual athletes will benefit from in the years to come.

2. Vicky Beeching

Like Michael Sam, Vicky Beeching blazed a trail for LGB people this year. Long a public ally of LGBT* people of faith, Beeching sent shockwaves throughout Christian media when she came out in August. In the subsequent weeks, she has shown herself a tireless and effective advocate against the institutional homophobia of the Church, as her Channel 4 debate with the homophobic preacher Scott Lively shows. She has also been pivotal in reframing the conversation about the role of LGBT* people in Christianity, all the while teaching a more inclusive interpretation of the scripture.

In a year where the religious right redoubled its efforts to combat equality, in which LGBT* Christians fought to reclaim our own narratives, Beeching’s brave stand, and her subsequent tenacity, have been invaluable. She has shown what it means to live faithfully as an openly gay person, and she has opened a dialogue between LGBT* Christians and our sisters and brothers in Christ who wrongly condemn us. She is interested not just in advancing the cause of LGBT* people, but building bridges and mending fences, tasks for which she is uniquely qualified. Her importance will only grow in 2015, and I look forward to it, as she continues to offer fellowship to both those margianalised by the Church, and those responsible for it.

1. Laverne Cox

The Transgender Tipping Point.” That’s how Time described it when Laverne Cox, the Emmy-nominated star of Orange is the New Black, made history as the first openly transgender person on that esteemed magazine’s cover. 2014 has been the year of Laverne, culminating most recently when she became the voice of reason—by which I mean, intersectional feminism—in a debate on racism on The View. Laverne has consistently raised the concerns of trans* people of colour to the mainstream in a way that few, if any, others have.

She is, in many ways, a transformative figure, as Time pointed out. But she also seems so remarkably down-to-earth, the woman next door who says hi every day, and maybe pops over for a glass of wine and a Scandal binge. Laverne’s politics are on point, but its her personality—her wit and her warmth—which has endeared her to the American public.

2014 was big for Laverne, and 2015 looks to be even bigger, with a starring role in the film Grandma. As her star continues to rise, I look forward to seeing more of her talent, and hearing more of her succinct, biting cultural analysis.

Honourable mentions: Anitia Sarkeesian, the Ferguson Protestors, Owen Jones

I think we can all agree it’s been a shit year. But through it all, you lot have stuck by my side. For that, I am entirely grateful. I want to take this opportunity to thank a few of you in particular: Sara, Kellee, Vanessa, Michelle, Kayla, Jenna, Elizabeth, Nick, Robyn, Peter, Lily Jayne, Alex, Nathan, Wes, Derrick, Parker, Michelle, Sarah, Kat, Bryan, Kevin, and as always, Mamaw and Papaw. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me. Your friendship and support has been most humbling.

Now Happy Christmas you lot!!!!!

’tis better to give than recieve. That’s crap. But here’s a present anyway.

coalforchristmas

 

Last week, I published my Christmas wish list, and kindly expected y’all to deliver. What can I say? Greed is good. Boris says so.

Still, they say the greatest gift is giving. This is, of course, rubbish, as the greatest gift is cash so I can avoid returning whatever hideous or useless gift you thoughtlessly picked up on your way to the Poundsaver till. But still, in the spirit of the season, here’s my gift to Britain this Christmas:

  • I give the gift of vibration to Lord Heseltine. Get your head of the gutters, you lot. Not that sort of vibration (though maybe 50 years ago…). Phone vibration. This way, the next time his wife rings him as he films Question Time, Dimbleby needn’t be bothered.
  • Guido Fawkes brought to our attention that Boris’ hair is receding along with his credibility. I can’t do much about the latter, but as to the former, I gladly give Boris a box of Regaine.
  • To the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, I give the gift of babysitting. Prince George is adorbs, and I have five nieces and nephews so I can totes handle this, babes. You deserve a bit of a date night, don’t you?
  • I give Lynton Crosby to the University of London Union. He’s great at turning out he votes, and you not so much. I also give solidarity.
  • David Cameron gets a selfie with me, since he’s so keen on being seen with Americans. And since he’s got the Regaine now, Boris can be the flirty blond.
  • Angela Merkel gets a telegraph, since that seems to be the only way she can safely communicate electronically.
  • Putin gets donkeypunched by Uncle Sam. If you don’t know what that means, Google it. Warning: NSFW.
  • I’d like to buy Anjem Choudary a pint. Seriously mate, you need it.
  • Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy gets this children’s book. Remember what happened the last time Spain messed with a Queen Elizabeth.
  • I give British Gas customers Jack Wills jumpers. You might not be able to afford you energy bills, but you shiver in style with these fashionable fleeces!
  • Katie Hopkins gets a map of Asia. See that big country down to the south? That’s India. It’s a place, you see. And if you look to the northeast, you may be able to locate a lovely Japanese town I think you ought to visit. It’s called Fukue.
  • Alan Rusbridger gets a class on journalistic ethics taught by Louise Mensch. I’ll even throw in a freebie on investigative reporting, since she seems to be the only one uncovering just how badly you’ve British national security.
  • That being said, Edward Snowden gets amnesty here in America, but only if he brings home the documents. And marries my best friend, cos she’s kinda keen.
  • Russell Brand gets a haircut and perhaps a bit of substance, provided he doesn’t abuse it.
  • Laurie Penny gets a mini American flag to waive, as she seems to be here more than I am. You’re not a proper American until you waive the stars and stripes at a street parade. And also eaten a deep fried Twinkie.
  • Rand Paul and Shia LaBeouf both get an English 101 course, which should teach you how to properly cite your sources. And perhaps form coherent sentences. But baby steps.
  • Greg Rutherford gets all the television appearances he wants, and perhaps a new kit deal. Seriously. A boy’s gotta eat.
  • Alex Ferguson gets a villa in Spain or Cornwall or wherever pensioners go to sun themselves. Just steer clear of Florida. It’s like Duck Dynasty down there.
  • Gay and lesbian Londoners and Chicagoans get marriage counselling. We now get to be as miserable as straight people. Ah, equality.
  • Single gay and lesbian Londoners and Chicagoans get tequila. It’ll help numb the nagging this Christmas. Suddenly we have no excuse when grandma asks why we haven’t settled down. Damn.
  • Justin Bieber gets a copy of a biography, any biography, of Michael Jackson. I cannot stand aside and watch history repeat itself. He even had a monkey, for Christ’s sake! No. I won’t be party to this. Justin, we’re here to help, buddy.
  • Chris Ramsey gets my apologies for gratuitously lusting after him, and also an American tour so I can do it in person.

Finally, to all my friends, family, readers, followers, and everyone who has helped make my return to writing this year an enjoyable if tumultuous ride, a massive thank you. I’m still finding my voice, but it’s great to be back. 2014 is going to be tremendous. I can’t wait.

All I want for Christmas is views: Skylar’s 2013 Christmas List

Santa-Wish-List

Santa baby, slip a visa under my tree for me. I’ve been an awfully good boy. Santa baby, so hurry down my chimney tonight.

If you think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed, you’re pretty much left with Ed Balls and Phil from EastEnders, and even that’s questionable considering my blackout night in Soho this summer. But all things considered, I’ve been incredibly well behaved this year, and I think Father Christmas ought to recognise and pay up. So, in the grand tradition of Eartha Kitt, Kelly Clarkson, and the cast of TOWIE, here’s my grown-up Christmas list.

  1. David Cameron to reclaim the middle ground – I supported the Conservatives at the 2010 election because I thought David Cameron was a new type of Tory. Admittedly, it was against every political instinct I had-a lifelong Democrat here in the States, I naturally lean towards the left. Still, I’m shy on socialism, and bought into the One Nation schmalz. Cameron has lurched further to the right than a drunk American driving the M25. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, and I am now left with nothing but crow for Christmas dinner. It is my hope that in 2014, Mr Cameron will bring back the Tories I believed in four years ago.
  2. BBC America to get its act together – Seriously, how many episodes of Top Gear and Star Trek can one man be expected to suffer through? Their programming is nothing but Jeremy Clarkson and Klingons, two things so similar it often feels like a marathon of pure evil. So many amazing programmes are shown on the BBC in the UK, yet we’re lucky if we get a fortnightly episode of Luther here in the US. Where’s Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Have I Got News For You, and my beloved Hebburn? How am I supposed to get my Chris Ramsey fix. Which reminds me…
  3. Chris Ramsey – in all his Geordie glory. I’d like him wrapped in a pretty bow underneath my tree, where we will pretend to be a Lady Gaga Christmas carol. Woof.

    Oh Chris, you're making me blush!

    Oh Chris, you’re making me blush!

  4. A follow from Caroline Kent – Seriously girl, what gives? You’re the funniest Brit I follow. I’m a charming gay American. We’re a match made in Chelsea. I’m not asking you to a slumber party, though if you’re keen, I have a subscription to Netflix, a couple bottles of red and a mani-pedi kit. Just throwing it out there.
  5. Nigella to claim victory on The Taste – I don’t expect Brits to be familiar with this American programme, but think of it as The Great British Bake Off meets the The Voice. Four celebrity chefs mentor contestants and then judge in a blind taste test to see who made the best dish. Nigella finished abysmally in the first series, but considering her recent tribulations, I’d very much like to see her win. There’s no sweeter cook on the planet. Personal life aside, the woman is an amazing chef, and I hope she assembles a terrific team in 2014. I’d like to see her come out on top. Think of how smug she could be the next time she sees that bastard Saatchi. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and knowing Nigella, garnished with strawberries and a chocolate glaze.
  6. For Nicole Scherzinger to come home – Okay, this is more of a selfless wish for y’all, cos we don’t want her, either. Actually, that’s mean. And a lie. For Christ’s sake, anyone who can clap, weep or dance through every single X Factor performance deserves our respect. This is a woman who sees the best in everyone, and we we miss her. Nicole, love, you’ve been in London long enough. Baby, please come home. If not for Christmas, by New Year’s night.

    Nicole, you're my only wish this year.

    Nicole, you’re my only wish this year.

  7. For Simon Cowell to go back to Britain – X Factor USA is an unmitigated disaster. Give up the ghost, buddy.
  8. Tom Daley to live happily ever after – He’s Britain’s sweetheart, isn’t he? Has there ever been a more humble, more honest 19 year old celebrity? I don’t think so. Admittedly, I never gave twinkalicious Tom much thought. But this cheeky little bugger illustrates the straightforward snide I admire about your country. Since he’s come out, Tom has shown, like much of the UK, he’s blessed with the gift of banter. I love it. I want nothing but he best for this kid.
  9. For Christmas crackers to become a thing in America – They seem so fun! I’m still not quite sure how they work, but I want to pull something other than Chris Christie apart and get candy and a glib joke.nochristmascrackers
  10. An England World Cup victory – Relax. It’s a Christmas wish list, not a kidnapper’s list of demands. A boy can dream.

Understanding that postage is expensive and the Atlantic Ocean wide, I will gladly accept cash and gift cards in lieu of any of the above. If you insist on getting me something not on this list, I look best in blue, prefer things not made by little hands, and only wear white gold or platinum.

As I await the arrival of the many presents you’re sure to send, I will wish you all a very merry Christmas. While it’s unlikely I’ll get anything on my list, I hope you get everything on yours.